Catching a Cheating Spouse: Lifting the Veil on Truths That Absolutely Everyone Needs To Know

Recently studies have shown that 40% of women (and that number is on the rise) and nearly 60% of men at some point in their marriage, have thought about or has already cheated on their spouse. Side by side, with just those two statistics alone, it’s pretty safe to assume that nearly 80% of all marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in some type of marital infidelity, which can be defined as emotional cheating, or physical cheating.



And while those numbers seem very high, after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage counselor, one family therapist stated that while, "(he) didn't believe those numbers were far off the mark...I have worked with a very large number of couples involved in infidelity whose spouses were never discovered."



The probabilities that you, your spouse, or someone close to you is now or will soon be involved in an illicit affair (whether psychologically or physically) is extremely high.



Maybe you already know, but then again, you could have just missed all the indicative signs such as changes in a person's routine and behavioral tendencies as well as indifference, lack of focus and sometimes even a kind of coldness around the edges. You might also get the impression that something is "out of character" but be unable to pin down exactly what it is or just chalk it up to the person having a bad day.



One thing is for certain…that he/she will absolutely not tell you. Those hiding an affair will continue to hide it, deny it, or reject the very thought of it. The "victim" who winds up catching a cheating spouse often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, humiliation, embarrassment and sometimes even self- admonishment and thoughts of failing that will prevent them from revealing the truth to even themselves.



Confronting your spouse with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with them, is not always the best route as it could lead to further difficulties in communication if your intentions are to save your marriage. It is important to recognize that not all cheaters are the same and their cheating can serve different purposes.



From several studies with hundreds of couples and my own personal experience on the topic, I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.



In a few words, some extramarital affairs will precipitate a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others evolve out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual abuse, confusion or trauma.



There are men in our culture will play out issues of prominence, entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This type of "boys will be boys" attitude is subtly encouraged in some circumstances. People can also become involved in a marital infidelity because they are adrenaline junkies who have a high need for drama and elation and are just addicted to the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."



Some people might pursue an extramarital affair out of pure revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Vindictiveness may also stem from rage, and although revenge is the motive for both, these two cases can look and feel very different.



Another form of infidelity serves the purposes and is a slave to someone with a low self-esteem with the need to affirm their personal desirability. A nagging question of being "Just OK" could result, in most of these cases, to a short-term and one-person fling. And as a final point, some affairs are a juggling act that a person performs in an attempt to balance a need for distance and an intimacy in their marriage, often with some type of participation from the spouse having a co-dependency issue.



In all of these instances, the prospects of survivability for the marriage are different for each case. While it’s probably something that no one would like to admit, some affairs are the best thing that can happen in a lifeless marriage, while the rest serve a the death knell. In addition to this, different extramarital affairs command a different line of attack on the part of the spouse or others. While some will require toughness and action, others will need patience, serenity and empathy.



The emotional blow in the discovery of unfaithfulness on the part of your partner is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleepless nights, reflections, musings, vivid nightmares (many sexual) and depression follow. Studies show that it generally can take between two and four years to come to terms with the implications. A good counselor or psychotherapist can help accelerate and mollify the process, but initially "marriage" counseling is not recommended.



The emotional impact can be devastating for some and results from a few powerful dynamics that have been severed in the marriage. Trust is shattered and non-existent -one's ability to discern the truth is crippled by their fear of falling for another lie. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to find confidence in one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in a marriage. THE secret, with surgical precision, exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll on the heart, mind and soul that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.



How can you help someone struggling to cope with such a difficult time in their life?



Most people in the midst of an affair crisis claim that they are treated as though someone close to them has died. This has also been my experience, because although people can have the best intentions and sincerely want to help, they are reluctant to mention the topic or will even misdirected the conversation altogether if it was.



In nearly all the cases I have studied, both online and in the library, as well as conclusions I have drawn through my own devastating experience, I have compiled a Top 10 list of what people need YOU to remember to help them through the healing process:



1. Sometimes I want to vent, scream, purge, and just get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say things I shouldn't be saying, and it may not always be nice, pretty or mild. Please understand that I know better, but I just need to get it off my chest.



2. Now and then, I want do want to hear that, "This too shall pass.", or something of the like. Remind me often that this is not forever.



3. I want to be validated. I need to at least perceive that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the hurt or how upside down my life has become.



4. Sometimes I wouldn’t mind being asked, "What have you learned today? Are you taking care of yourself?" I may need that little nudge that progresses me beyond my pain today to see the larger picture.



5. I will need just a little space at times. While I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings, I may want you to be gentle and patient. Give me some time to stammer, stutter, crawl and stumble my way through before you expecting me to just get up and walk on my own again.



6. I want someone to point out some new directions or different routes that I may possibly take. But before you do this, just be sure I have first been listened to, heard and have been validated.



7. If something reminds you of or it suddenly occurs to you, go ahead and suggest books or other resources that you think I may find beneficial.



8. Every so often I wouldn’t mind hearing, "How are things going for you?" This you may want to be more sincere with than just a casual greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how "things" are going.



9. I would like you to be reasonably relaxed with the gray areas and the paradoxes about how I feel and what I may want. Please try to understand and accept my conflicting feelings and desires.



10. I want you to be reliant and dependable. I want to be able to rely on you to be there, listen and talk with me consistently or just let me know that you are unable to. I can both honor and respect that.



Relationships triangles involving a married person, their spouse, and someone outside that marriage in explicit ways are powerful. They are costly in trust, self-esteem, and communication as they take their toll both physically and mentally. They affect everyone surrounding both the victim and the victimizer - family, friends, colleagues and employers. But on a positive not…Infidelity can also be a godsend which allows you to reconstruct and reflect over one's life and love relationships in deep, meaningful and healing ways which can create honor, happiness and true intimacy that you could have never possibly imagined before.